I Don’t Know What To Do
Have you ever been in a place or are you in a place now where you absolutely have no idea what you are supposed to do and you are desperate for guidance?
The road is dark and seems riddled with obstacles? It is hard to imagine in these times that even God knows what He wants you to do? It feels like He is silent and just allowing the struggle to ravage your life and leave you confused, hopeless and utterly lost? If this is you…. Read on!
I had lost my husband to cancer only 2 years prior to one of the most confusion experiences of my life. I remarried after being a widow for 18 months and along with this beautiful man came a beautiful little boy, Harlo. He was younger than my two boys and we had been living in abundant blessing in our new blended family. David was the man that Benji would have chosen to raise his boys and I could see the hand of God over everything in my life. I could truly see beauty from ashes.
This beauty was slightly tainted however with the fact that Harlo’s mother decided to move to Gig Harbor, WA and wanted us to join them. Now, I have always been a fan of the PNW, I had traveled there many times but Salt Lake was my home. My family. The life of my boys. The mountains.
I wasn’t ready for yet another upset in my life.
The time came for Harlo to leave with his mother and we were torn. David was ready to sell my house, pick up and move to WA to be near his son. All very noble aspirations. We traveled to Gig Harbor in April 2014 in hopes of gaining some clarity on whether we would uproot the boys and move. Looking back now I believe that God put blinders on my eyes to the beauty of this place, it just wasn’t time. Now let me be clear, Gig Harbor is a postcard town. The beauty is unmatched and I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t want to settle in this sleepy seaside place.
After several days of exploring Gig Harbor, driving through the tree lined streets, we jumped on a plane back to Utah. Along with me I brought back a rock in my gut. There is NO way I am moving my boys. I can’t. I can’t justify ripping them from everything they have known and lost just because one person decided to move there. In hindsight, I know she had her reasons to rebuild her life in Gig Harbor and I am thankful for her in my life. But at the time it was difficult for me to understand why God would use her choices to direct my life. It was gut wrenching to even think about moving and I did not understand what God was doing, it made absolutely n sense to me.
I shared my unpleasant feelings with David after he had already been in contact with construction and carpentry companies looking for jobs in the Gig Harbor area. He was ready to pull the trigger, but I had to shatter his plans with my heart wrenching honesty. I can’t move. Not right now. He
My family was angry at even the thought of us moving. I had the boy’s dad’s family to think about. I just can’t right now.
He graciously understood.
Well….then…..What. Do. We. Do?
It was stuck between a rock and a solid, hard place. How in the world is this God’s plan?
How can God allow such a conflicting and confusing circumstance, especially after I had already lost so much? I just didn’t understand. Why would Harlo’s mother move and leave me in this detrimental circumstance? I had resentment, anger and was in a state of utter confusion. Choosing between children is the stuff nightmares are made out of. Not to mention the toll it was taking on our new and fragile marriage.
So what did we do?
Making a decision in this type of low metal state without the help of the Almighty would have been disasterous.
I vividly remember sitting on the mattress on our makeshift bedroom floor. We had moved our mattress into the boys room (the bed was too big in that tiny room) and smushed the 3 boys bunk beds into the master bedroom. This was the house that I shared with Benji for almost 12 years and I was despereate to get out. We didnt’ fit and it was awkward. We could not live in this house, in this manner, it wasn’t healthy in any way. But where do we move?? Stay in Salt Lake away from Harlo or make a hasty move to WA, an incredibly gigantic life change?
We sat and cried and prayed. Literally shouting out-loud. WHAT DO WE DO GOD? WHAT DO WE DO? Do we move to WA and risk the mental and emotional state of the boys? Their state was already so fragile and I couldn’t bear the thought of causing more loss for them. We also risked ostracizing us from our family and friends because they couldn’t support the idea of us leaving…..or do we give up seeing Harlo?
We gave it ALL to Jesus. We chose to TRUST that He knew. He allowed this and He would guide us.
After this moment of surrender, slowing the path started to light up. Slowly we were able to see the next safe step to take.
We decided to wait one year. This way it appeased all involved and gave us time to sift through selling homes, getting jobs and most of all the healing and building of our new family. We broke the news to Harlo’s mother and offered to fly him out to us once a month and to make frequent trips to WA during this year. It was met with unpleasant feelings but she agreed. We still had to sift through so much but at least we had a plan.
We decided to rent out my house and rent another house to live in, in a different part of the city. Something different, something new. It was not my dream house by any means but it served its purpose. We dolled it up, prettied up the yard, made it ours. Even though we knew at the year mark we would be moving. I wasn’t convinced it would be WA but we knew God was leading us somewhere. This year was blessed. It gave David and my boys solid time to bond. It gave me time to bond with Harlo when he visited and the boys were in school. It also gave our friends and family time to settle into the fact that David was now part of the family. He formed friendships with Benji’s family and friends and it gave God time to heal numerous relationships after they had been ravaged by the loss of Benji. God knew this time was necessary for the healing before any major changes could take place. God knew.
After about 6 months of flying 4 year old Harlo back and forth and several trips we all realized that this was taking a toll on the little boy physically and emotionally. This was when the decision needed to be made. I still resisted. I didn’t want to move. But in another moment of surrender I heard God whisper to my heart. “You are going to move to Gig Harbor. It’s overwhelming I know but I got this!” David and I hand in hand surrendered the move to the Lord and in that moment a boulder was lifted off my shoulders. The resistance that I was carrying was very, very heavy and now it was gone. I didn’t know or understand what this was going to look like but I trusted God and that gave me peace to move forward.
The next 6 months proved incredibly daunting and challenging with selling my house, securing a job in Gig Harbor, getting approved for a loan with a new job, finding and purchasing a new home. I saw many miracles throughout the entire process! God’s hand was truly on all of it. Over time my family and friends softened their hearts to the idea of us moving and knew it was the best thing for us. This calmed my heart and gave me the strength to push towards the move.
During this time we had Joshua 1:9 on our bathroom mirror:
“I will be strong and courageous. I will not be terrified or intimidated by anyone or anything, for the LORD my God is with me wherever I go.”
We trusted. Trusted that God would bring us to the right place, the right house, the right friends, the right church. It was litteraly a blank slate but God provided abundantly!
6 months later, we arrived in Gig Harbor, in our new home, our new life and most importantly WITH HARLO! We could finally be the family that we wanted to be!
Gig Harbor, Washington
We have lived here now for 5 years. We welcomed a baby girl, Emmy, just 9 months after arriving and God has blessed us more than we could have ever asked or imagined. An answer to a God promise!
“ Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be the glory…”! Ephesians 3:20
Our home, our neighbors, our church, David’s own carpentry business….it’s ALL because of the LORD! We don’t deserve it and we didn’t have a thing to do with it. But GOD DID! I have formed a deep sister-ship with Harlo’s mom and although blended family/co-parenting has it’s challenges it is all a blessing in my life!
Hindsight is 20/20 they say. Well, it couldn’t be more true. I see now how God truly did put blinders on me to the beauty of Gig Harbor until it was time to move and now I couldn’t love this place more! I am still in awe that I live in such a breathtaking place. I see that Harlo’s mom’s desire to move here launched David and I to where we are suppose to be. I see that David and I needed a fresh start, in a place where we didn’t know anyone so we could build a fresh, new and beautiful life. I adore Salt Lake and all the people there but we needed to break out and build a new life. God knew. All of this. I resisted for too long but I tell you, surrendering and letting go was the most freeing and liberating experience. Saying YES to God when you are terrified is well, terrifying but we serve a big and trustworthy God.
I will remember this forever and will always compare any confusion to this experience thus giving me the courage to obey when it’s hard and to listen instead of resist.
God taught me the art of surrender and it was beautiful.
So…..when you are lost, confused and resentful at your situation just remember that GOD knows exactly what is going on and exactly where He wants you to land even in the dark valley of confusion. And just like He provided food for Elijah in his dark and lonely time with a raven, a bird that was inherently selfish and greedy, God can also uses unthinkable things to guide and lead you to where HE wants you. If only we allow Him to work through those things.
“The ravens brought him bread and meat in the morning and bread and meat in the evening.” (1 Kings 17:6)
Give God every single detail, be willing to trust the process even when it is dark and be willing to OBEY. God will come through for you I PROMISE!!!!
